Sunday, June 5, 2011

The LDS Articles of Faith from a Female Perspective

This comes from a feminist friend (who shall remain anonymous).  It was too good not to post, and she had no objection to my publishing it here.  It is sacrilegious, of course, but it is also funny (and even embarrassingly true):

(1) We believe that the divinity of God, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost gives them power and authority, and that the sacredness of Heavenly Mother makes her effete and silenced.

(2) We covenant that all women must be punished for Eve's transgression.

(3) We believe that through the atonement of Christ, all temple-recommend holding, sealed, heterosexual couples (or triples...) can be saved through obedience to the laws and ordinances of LDS doctrine.

(4) We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the gospel are, first, faith in the current prophet; second, obedience; third, possession of a temple recommend; fourth, correlated study of correlated scripture.

(5) We believe that women are called of God to bear and raise children through eternity, but only at home under the presiding direction of their husbands.

(6) We believe in the same organization that existed in the primitive church, namely: men are in charge.  [Actually, some early Christians gave women some kind of authority in the movement: see Romans 16:1.  This does not undermine the historical truth that men have been largely responsible for running the Christian movement.]

(7) We believe in the gift of balls, testosterone, hairy chests, five-o'clock shadows, and so forth.

(8) We believe the King James Version of the Bible to be the word of God, as long as it is correlated correctly. We also believe the opinion of the bishop to be the word of God.

(9) We believe versions of what Joseph Smith revealed, some of what Brigham Young revealed, and we believe correlation has now established all important things pertaining to the kingdom of God.

(10) We believe in the Republican (Grand Old Party) version of the Constitution, and in restoring the Founding Fathers' true intent; that Zion, the New Jerusalem, has been built in Salt Lake City, Utah; that fifteen old, white men reign personally upon the earth; and that they rightly influence members' votes to raise the Constitution to its paradisaical glory.

(11) We claim the privilege of sending missionaries throughout the world to teach all men how, where, and what to worship.

(12) We believe in being subject to prophets, seventies, stake presidents, bishops, husbands, or even twelve-year-old boys, rather than obeying, honoring, or allowing any woman to preside in her own home.

(13) We believe temple-recommend holders to be honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and that temple recommends are good for all men; and so, we may say, temple-recommend interviewers may ask and admonish as they will: they may ask all things, they may pry into all things, they may demand any things in hopes to be able to control all things.  If there is anything uncorrelated, unorthodox, or sexy, they seek after these things.

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