One last quote from this novel (from page 366):
Crazy Horse shrugged. Yes, yes, there was white fire coming at him, and the hands of his own people were grabbing at him from behind, and he might be hurt. He felt the rightness of it. He wanted to survive, but maybe he wouldn't. He would ride and feel the rightness under him like a fine, spirited pony.Life is uncertain. I am weak. I cannot prepare against all contingencies. I cannot answer all questions or solve all problems (in my own life, let alone the lives of other people). But I can meet them with dignity. Win or lose, I can strike a heroic pose. I can do my best work, and the result be whatever it is going to be. I can tell the truth as I see it, and let the cards fall. That is all I ask of the world, because that is really all it is able to give me.
Inasmuch as my journey to this realization has come through being "betrayed" by others and by my own unrealistic expectations over the years, I am actually grateful -- yes, grateful -- to have been betrayed. The closest I can come to forgiving others (especially church leaders) and myself is to reflect that our foolish actions have had at least one happy accident: I understand life better because of them. The bitter has taught me to prize the sweet. I don't know how it could be any other way: to avoid one path of bitterness is really just to fall into another one. As bitter paths go, modern Mormonism seems like a really nice one (better than many!). So I don't regret being a Mormon. There are still many things in Mormonism that I like. I don't want to erase my past, any more than I wish to get out of my present: I cannot imagine living without either.
As painful and as real as my soul-wounds are sometimes, they are not utterly awful. As the Buddha recognized, all emotion is suffering. You cannot have pleasure without pain, and every pain comes tinged with some kind of pleasure -- a palliative to help us bear what we must in order to survive. I see this and accept it.